[open post] NEW USER: Shang Qinghua

[greatmasterairplane]

Look, this clearly isn't Proud Immortal Demon Way. Shang Qinghua might not remember all the details of what he wrote—that's what his most devoted fans are for, to point out inconsistencies in the comments section so Shang Qinghua can bullshit some mystical explanation, hahaha—but he's sure he didn't write this Western-style mansion. The System, when he tries to question it, is silent. So maybe it's some kind of test?

If so, not fair! Arranging the invasion of the Immortal Alliance Conference was supposed to be his last thing. The original Shang Qinghua died shortly after that, so how much plot relevance could he have?? He was meant to be retired, living life in the lap of luxury (or drudgery in the employ of his king, but whatever). Why doesn't the System just reward him for all his many years of loyal service? Can they have a "being hand-fed melon seeds by a group of big scantily-clad men" event, please???

He skims through the welcome table materials. Okay, so a world between dimensions, people pulled in from disparate worlds and trapped for eternity, sure. Classic stuff. His king is bound to show up at some point and drag Shang Qinghua away by his collar like a tiger scruffing a kitten. Until then, he'll just try to stay out of trouble.

Comments

[greatmasterairplane]

Ah geez. Okay. He actually does feel bad. He forgets sometimes that Shen Yuan is so young. He's just—very earnest, and Shang Qinghua knows that vicious keyboard warrior exterior houses a surprisingly tender heart. It explains why he can love someone like Luo Binghe so much. It explains why he apparently wants to get closer with Shang Qinghua, even though Shang Qinghua is even less likable, and lacks Luo Binghe's abs.

"Um. Sorry," he says. "I didn't mean that like—I just didn't really enjoy my first life, so I'd rather not go by that name. Honestly, 'Airplane' is the identity I always preferred. But, uh, thanks for telling me."

[peaklordshen]

"Oh," says Shen Yuan, softening. "That--yeah, okay, of course." He punches Airplane lightly in the shoulder. "It would be weird to call you anything but Airplane anyway, probably. And you like--" he's a little embarrassed, now, "--don't have to call me Shen Yuan, except around, like, other people here. It just felt wrong for you not to know it."

[greatmasterairplane]

Whew! It felt way too weird for Cucumber-bro to be actually pissed at him, instead of his usual harmless yelling. "You're being nice to me," he says with a grin. "Is this place softening you, or what? Is it because Binghe's here?"

[peaklordshen]

"Shut the fuck up," says Shen Yuan, automatically. "But--um. Yeah, probably, at least a little. He, uh." He swallows. "He really likes me?"

[greatmasterairplane]

"If he's gay, I'm not surprised," Shang Qinghua says, wiggling his eyebrows again. "You're his type! Pretty, nice, obsessed with him—hopefully a little freaky in bed too."

[peaklordshen]

"I'm not obsessed with him," Shen Yuan mutters. But--hang on. If he's gay, and Airplane's gay,¹ maybe he can, like--help him out with something? "And I think I'm, um. Kind of a cold fish in bed. Actually."

¹Who's flying the--wait.

[greatmasterairplane]

Oh? Is Cucumber-bro finally going to acknowledge him as a wise elder with valuable knowledge? The real Luo Binghe expert, in fact? "He's not, like, super picky."

[peaklordshen]

"He is," counters Shen Yuan. "With—with men, he is. He hasn't even slept with Sagramore, they're just friends."<sup>1

1</sup> Well...

[greatmasterairplane]

"They're friends?" That's much harder to believe than Luo Binghe being gay. But if Cucumber-bro is about to tell him about his sex life—with Shang Qinghua's own Mary Sue!—he wants to hear about that way more. "So you don't think Bingge's getting his needs met?"

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan's first instinct is to snap, none of your business, but he was the one who brought it up. "I don't see how he could be," he admits, instead. "Like, it's just—me."

[greatmasterairplane]

Shang Qinghua nods in understanding. Cucumber-bro is kind of a prize—see the aforementioned men who are all desperately pining for him, and by the way you're welcome for the sexy villain face and nice ass, Cucumber-bro—but it's tough to imagine Luo Binghe being satisfied with one person. "What have you tried so far?"

[peaklordshen]

Shen Yuan's shoulders go tense. "We, um. We'veonlyhadsexonce."

[greatmasterairplane]

"Sorry? What? My son has only had sex once?"

[peaklordshen]

"Don't say it like it's my fault!" Shen Yuan complains. "He's the one who keeps saying things like you are unlike anyone I've ever known, he wants to take it slow!! You have no idea how hard it was not to climb him like a tree after that fucking Fight Club performance, but he left to go get changed and didn't even invite me. And the other day we took a bath--two baths, separate baths, with a screen--and he just--stayed! In his bath! And didn't even try to get me to come to his bath with him! We did, like, kiss a lot, after, but still."

[greatmasterairplane]

"He wants to take it slow???" This is out of Shang Qinghua's depth. It was one thing for Shen Qingqiu—sorry, Shen Yuan—to brainwash disciple Binghe, back in their world, making him a cute little obedient kitchen maid. But that was starting when he was fourteen, an innocent babe! They're talking about the Emperor of the Three Realms here?? "Dude, don't take this the wrong way. Are you sure he's into you?"

[peaklordshen]

"Yes," says Shen Yuan, immediately, and then hesitates. "I mean--he was really into it. When we, um. Did it. And I'm--obviously always noticing his dick, and he--every time we kiss, he's hard pretty much immediately." Which--maybe that's not about him??? If he really is so deprived, maybe he's just hair-trigger about any man??? But--no, this is stupid, Airplane is just psyching him out. "Besides, if he weren't, why would we even be dating? There's like, a ton of hot men here."

[greatmasterairplane]

Is this what it feels like when your son ceases to obey your wishes? Is Luo Binghe going through his belated teenage rebellion??? Shang Qinghua does have some inkling of what's happening, though, especially after seeing the results of The Shen Yuan Effect in their own world. "Because you probably like him more than everyone else does. Binghe really likes to be liked." And he's probably well aware that Shen Yuan is always noticing his dick.

"About the sex, though—I'm just guessing. But like, every wife arc follows the same pattern, right? Binghe meets someone, they share a bonding experience, they have sex and get married and then he moves on. Maybe he thinks, if he keeps going with the usual pattern, it'll end the same way. Maybe he thinks if you have sex again, he'll lose you."

[peaklordshen]

"But--that's not how it goes," Shen Yuan objects. "The wives don't lose interest, Binghe does. They're, like, pining away forever in his harem, dreaming of the day he deigns to return to them and bring them once again to the screaming heights of pleasure. Or, um, whatever."

[greatmasterairplane]

Shang Qinghua waves a hand. "It's kind of both? It's like a mutual loss of interest. You know, the shine wears off. Of course they're all gagging for his dick all the time, but Binghe's whole thing is that he has superficial connections with dozens of women, but no one truly knows him. You know, he doesn't actually let anyone in. So of course over time his wives are going to get a little disillusioned. They all think they're going to be the one to save him, not realizing he's past saving." This is all standard brooding male lead stuff.

[peaklordshen]

"The shine—the shine wears off??" Shen Yuan instantly starts pacing. "The shine?? Nothing about Luo Binghe is fucking shine, dude!! What part of him is supposed to just magically become unappealing to women, his incredibly beautiful eyes?? His luxurious hair?? The fact he could effortlessly crush a watermelon with his thighs??? It's—it's fucking ludicrous. I can't believe—you're saying, you're really saying, that not only did you force him through a series of hundreds of marriages to women he didn't actually love, but none of them loved him??? God, the comments I used to leave you were way too fucking nice, you—you heartless, inconsistent, piece of shit hack."

[greatmasterairplane]

Shang Qinghua suppresses a smile. He missed this! There's nothing like a dedicated hater to really show the impact of your writing. Sure, Cucumber-bro is nice to everyone, but who else is he such a rancid little bitch to? That's the result of real emotional investment! "Then tell him all this, bro. Just say you're never going to get tired of him and you'll be the first person to show him true, lasting love and he'll rip your clothes off, trust me. Also, he likes it rough, so don't hold back. And tell him he's doing a good job."

[peaklordshen]

"I don't know why I even bothered to bring it up," mutters Shen Yuan. "I've basically told him all that shit already. We, uh, got truth-cursed together, on our first date."

He does file these last two pieces of advice away, though, for later, without looking at them too closely.

[greatmasterairplane]

Shang Qinghua rolls his eyes. "Of course you did, you've never been able to shut up about how much you love Binghe. But Binghe's, like, extremely paranoid and suspicious, so maybe say it more than once?" He crosses his arms. "Did you just say you like him, or did you say you're going to keep liking him no matter what? Because I guarantee he's still waiting for the other shoe to drop, unless you speedran like ten years of therapy on your first date. I want to hear the details of that, by the way. The only person I've had to share gossip with is Qi Qingqi, and she hates me."

[peaklordshen]

"She should hate you, you fucking rat," mutters Shen Yuan, but there's very little fire in it, "and I can't believe you would give me advice on making Luo Binghe feel loved when you're, like, his shitty absentee father at least twice over." He does want to talk about his date, though. "He cooked for me. It was incredible, obviously, he made this glazed duck, and noodles, and dumplings, and—" he wrinkles his nose, amused and fond. "Janet told him about Mountain Dew, and he apologized to me for not being able to get it. Like it was actual dew from a real mountain!"

[greatmasterairplane]

Of course Shang Qinghua knows how to make Luo Binghe feel loved—he deliberately withheld it from him for character development! What kind of tortured brooding morally gray hero feels loved! Saying this would be courting death, though, or at least a nasty fan-whack, so he just grins. "Didn't you get mad at me before for saying he was your darling baby and the apple of your eye?¹ Look at you now, bro. This is adorable."

Actually, speaking of that conversation, when they were on a certain quest... "Hey, what are you going to do about, you know, the backup body? I guess you don't need it anymore, if he's not going to kill you?"

¹SVSSS, Vol 1, p. 289.